NO MORE WEBSITES PLEASE

I visited several banks of which include Sterling, Afribank, Zenith, First Bank, and many more. Most replies were, sorry, we don’t accept hard copies of resume, go to our website. Thinking to myself, well no problem, internet access everywhere, I can get online. Typing links to company websites, drilling through the links, and finally finding the Career section. Oh my, if you know your website doesn’t work, fix it. Don’t direct me to a nonworking website. That is why I want you to hire me to fix it for you. Get it?

If you want to be the best and have the greatest service in the country, go on a spending spree and make sure whatever expenditures you make is adding value to your company. Don’t be stingy and expect to be the best. Not going to happen. I am not sure if you have the incentive to improve. You all have your income streams that are pretty much guaranteed to bring in something regularly. I guess you may be satisfied with that not sure but still keep improving. Yes I know you all have nice buildings, but your customers don’t care about your buildings, they want a world class rated services. I know you all are capable of doing it. You already have the infrastructure and process done. Don’t create a business and continue functioning the way you are. Always fine tune your process, look for bottlenecks and fix those for improved performance. Which I am absolutely sure will contribute to the bottom line and make your stomachs bigger. Once your customers are aware of the subtle changes you are making. Certain they will appreciate your efforts if they (customers) are better served.

UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA (UBA)

After a long day out trying to find suitable suitors without any luck, I wearily track back my way home. Going back to Broad Street, I see UBA on Marina Street. Stop right now I ordered the biker or bike driver. I am not sure what you will call them. Okada driver? Okay sir! (If there is a Japanese word okada, I would like to know the meaning. I am sure there is too lazy to Google).

I entered the gate closest to Marina Street. STOOOP.  I heard the security officer shout. Me asking why I should stop, saying I want to get inside. He said I should step out. I asked why? He just said step out your retard. (He didn’t say retard. But it sounds cool typing it) Ok sir I will step out. I stepped out. Come back here, the security officer ordered me. I went back to talk with him. He then asked me what I wanted, I explained and he instructed me to go to the other get on the far end. I said OOOOH, I get it.

Walking towards the gate where I will enter, up left, up right, up left, up right, I climbed up the steps counting my ascent. Voila, revolving door, Boom, boom, pow, a blast of cold air. Felt refreshing. A smallish guard stopped me as I entered asking me what I want. I pointed at the customer service representative saying I want to see her. He asked me if I know her. Do you think I will say no? Of course she is my buddy men. We be hanging since way back in the days homs. He said ok proceed.  Ah ah ah, that was easy. I passed.

Me: Good morning, Ms. You got a pretty smile

Ms Blushy: (Blushing and smiling harder) Thanks, you may sit down.

(great first one to ask me to sit and rest my tired legs)

Ms. Blushy: So how may I help you?

Me: do you think there is any possibility for me to talk with a human resource representative?

Ms. Blushy: pertaining to what sir?

Me: Employment.

Ms Blushy: you can go through the other gate at Marina Street

Me: No, no, no. They won’t allow me in there.

Ms. Blushy: Do you have your resume?

Me: You betcha. I do have my resume with me. This is a copy.

Ms. Blushy: Ok hold on I make some phone calls.

(elated finally I got one to speak with me. Looks promising. Blushy on the phone for some time)

Ms. Blushy: Sorry he is not on sit right now. Hold on. (She passes on my resume to the other reception lady asking if another person will accept it. The other lady saying yes he would accept it.)

Ms. Blushy: Ok I will pass on your resume, but sorry you can’t speak with anyone.

Me: Thank you very much for your time.

Ms. Blushy: (scribbling something on a piece of paper, passing it to me and saying) that is my number call me to find out about it.

Me: (I got a number booyah booyah booyah. I got a number you aint got no number na nah na nah na nah) Do you mind if I call you tomorrow and she said just call.

As I depart, I told her to keep smiling. She blushed again. Argh what a beautiful world it could be if everyone was as patient as you are. Thanks Blushy.

I called her the next day, but no response. I am hoping not a wrong number she gave me. Will call again sometime later to find out what is happening whether or not they have passed my resume through a paper shredder. Don’t know what will come of that but just expect and be optimistic with the places I have dropped my resume at.

COTEC WHAT? I SAID CO… CO… CO… COTECNA

I was not going to be totaled by Total. Reversed and off walking. Holy Taco, this looks beautiful, huge, magnanimously stunning. I wish we knew each other long before. Unfortunately, this is the first time we are meeting. Hello, my name is mine and your name is what? Cotecna. Oh Cotecna. Interesting name you’ve got. Cotecna is an inspection, security, and some other thing company for global trade.

Instantly walking in front of the gate, I knew it. This was a no go zone. I don’t want to be a slave to the outside world. I just want to be yours. Cotecna, I am ready and willing to be yours. Take me as I am for I am the only one you need. An all-in-one packaged solution of intelligence and impeccable personality. I have a proven track record of likeness by all and great work ethic. So what say you? Deal or no deal?

As I walked towards the gate, I see three guards manning the gates. Me smiling, I laughed out and said. It is amazing. Talking to one of the guards and asking him if they are employing. He said they are not employing. I came back batting and exclaiming that is not a genuine response. As he smiled, he said, it is true that before, they were employing for information techies. That now = stopped. (Later when I got back to my place, I checked their websites and truly, they were not employing). So I stopped and talked with the guard about the difficulties involved in entering companies and talking with people and how things have changed. More security present at office locations than before. More armed guards with rifles ready to turn you into polka dot piñata. We had great laughs. Why not stay smiling despite difficulties.

I don’t want to remain heartbroken. I want to start the perfect relationship with one of you. It is so sad that you all have not been able to share the love with me. I must confess I know you are capable of sharing the wealth with me and others in my position. Ok I will give you a deal. How about this?

I become your partner and I can take you out in my smart car after you buy it for me on Friday nights to dinner or the clubs (I am not a clubbing person but I can do it just for you). Or we can spend the weekends together. Remember we have to keep this a secret as I do not want my Chinese girlfriends to know about our new relationship. I am very well aware that you know the importance of privacy in relationship. So I trust you.

I shall be waiting for your reply. If you want to take me up on my offer email me at gixroq@gmail.com. If you want other terms, call me to table and we can discuss the most suitable terms and agreement. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Your secret admirer

Me